Why Talking (and Talking... and Talking) Doesn’t Work for ADHD Kids—and What to Do Instead
If you’ve ever found yourself in a 20-minute lecture with your ADHD child, explaining (again) why they really need to follow the rules, only to see no change in their behavior... you’re not alone.
And you’re not doing it wrong—you’ve just been handed the wrong tools.
Many well-meaning parents believe that talking things through is the best way to teach, motivate, and guide their kids. But when it comes to parenting a child with ADHD, more words often lead to less progress.
The ADHD Brain Works Differently
Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading expert in ADHD research, explains that ADHD is not a disorder of knowing what to do—it’s a disorder of doing what you know.
This means that kids with ADHD often understand the rules, expectations, and consequences. The problem isn’t comprehension—it’s execution. Their executive functioning skills (like impulse control, working memory, and emotional regulation) are underdeveloped compared to their peers.
So while you might be thinking, “If I just explain it better, they’ll finally get it,” your child’s brain simply isn’t wired to retain or act on long verbal instructions, especially in moments of emotional dysregulation or distraction.
Why Talking Too Much Backfires
Here’s what happens when we over-explain with an ADHD child:
They tune out. ADHD brains struggle with sustained attention, especially for non-stimulating input like adult lectures.
They feel overwhelmed. Too many words = too much cognitive load.
They feel shame. Long talks can feel like criticism, which often leads to shutdown or defensiveness.
They forget most of it. Working memory—the mental sticky note for holding and using information—is often impaired in ADHD kids.
So What Does Work?
To support behavior change and skill-building, we need to work with the ADHD brain, not against it. That means keeping communication short, clear, and supported by systems that help compensate for lagging executive skills.
Here are 6 strategies that actually help:
1. Be Brief and Direct
Keep instructions and corrections short—ideally 10 words or less. For example:
✅ “Shoes on, backpack, in the car—let’s go.”
❌ “How many times have I told you we need to leave by 8:00? You can’t keep forgetting your backpack. You’re going to be late again!”
2. Use Visuals and Routines
Visual supports help offload the demands on working memory. Use:
Checklists for morning/evening routines
Visual schedules
Timers or alarms for transitions
Written expectations for chores
3. Connect Before You Correct
Get their attention before giving direction. Touch their shoulder, make eye contact, and have them repeat back what you said. Without connection, no correction will stick.
4. Teach One Thing at a Time
Avoid the temptation to correct five behaviors at once. Pick one, teach it clearly, and give them time to build consistency before moving on.
5. Use Immediate Feedback and Reinforcement
Delayed consequences don’t work well with ADHD brains. Instead:
Praise effort and progress right away.
Use visual charts or token systems for tracking habits.
Give small, consistent rewards for following through.
6. Stay Calm and Regulate Yourself First
Your emotional regulation teaches theirs. When you're dysregulated, they feel it—and it makes their regulation even harder. Take a breath before responding. Short, calm, and consistent always wins.
Final Thoughts: Less Talk, More Support
Parenting a child with ADHD isn’t about saying the right thing—it’s about creating the right environment. One that’s structured, supportive, and predictable. When you shift from lectures to clear, actionable strategies, your child starts experiencing more success—and so do you.
So next time you catch yourself mid-lecture, pause. Take a breath. And try one of the strategies above instead. Your ADHD child doesn’t need more words. They need more support for their executive functioning.
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